PJs

My son is a giant. He ceased to be a baby the minute we switched from footie pajamas to 2-piece pajamas with monsters printed on them.
He's a little boy now, and I can't help but try to hold on, because it feels like it really wasn't that long ago that I was wearing a little boys' pajama shirt with monsters printed on it. Reading shitty poetry at a sparsely attended open mic, in college.

Today

Today my son learned how to paddle in the water, how to brush Daddy's hair, how to kiss his books goodnight, and a hundred other things I didn't even register.



Today I learned that Guy Pearce is Australian.

Thirty

Good afternoon. I am now thirty and am available for conversations about the following:

• electric vehicles
• station wagons
• electric station wagons
• 401k match
• Taylor Swift as a brand
• baby gear
• the tiny house movement
• OMG, remember Trapper Keepers?
• Benghazi, I guess
• my skin care regimen
• who makes the best iced coffee
• Did you know John Cameron Mitchell was the voice of the Dunkaroos kangaroo?
• parental leave policies around the globe
• the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine and why doesn't it include a cream soda option?
• any episode of Friends
• sleep training
• have we created a monster in Mark Wahlberg?
• the future of podcasting
• Twitter as a valuable market research tool
• The Americans, Wednesdays on FX!
• horchata

Quick Poll

I found some mold on our bread. 
Should I toss the whole loaf, toss the slices with visible mold, or tear off the moldy bits and eat?


My husband always tosses the whole loaf because he says if you can see the mold, then there's much more that you can't see -- and science/the Internet seems to support him on that. 
But: 

1. It's all the bread we have 
2. It's organic/was pricey 
3. It's just a little bit of white mold -- almost didn't notice it at all
4. I wouldn't be giving any to my child
5. I'm not allergic to mold
6. I would totally just cut it off if it was a block of cheese
7. DH is famously paranoid about food
8. I had a club sandwich at a restaurant one time, and halfway through the club sandwich, I realized that the bread was moldy. I didn't finish it, but I still remember it as the best club sandwich I've ever had. And then the manager gave me two free meals for my trouble
9. I need Nutella toast right now
10. I may have already eaten it as Nutella toast

Prelude to a Raspberry

Help! In a strange reversal of roles, E blew a raspberry on my tummy, and in that moment we switched bodies. Now I'm stuck in this (adorable but) mostly-useless little body, and E, now with access to all the fine motor skills he'd been lacking, keeps running up and down stairs and slicing tomatoes with sharp knives.
And I think I've soiled myself.

Amazingly, I was able to type this whole thing using one finger and the predictive text on my iPhone.

Spoiler Alert

From my upcoming album of children's music (tentatively titled "Rock a Fly Baby: Songs for Ultra-Cool Post-Millennial Punkins"):

"Spoiler Alert"

There's a baby in the mirror
Peep that baby in the mirror
You're the baby in the mirror
Spoiler alert

Yesterday, on the changing table, an infant who shall remain nameless piped 3 kids-cones' worth of warm, baby-made soft-serve directly into my hand. In the moment, it was really upsetting.

As soon as twenty minutes later, I was looking back on the incident as a sweet and cherished memory.
"Hey," I said to him, tears rimming my crazy eyes, "remember that time you pooped in my hand for like five straight minutes? Wasn't that great?"
He just kept chewing on his squeaky duck and staring at my chest. He never wants to reminisce.